… strong undertow of worry about H… it’s as if it were happening to me… is that surprising?… after 22+ years of being together we are as one organism… more than the sum of our individual selves… a variety of fantasies… but the same sick worried feeling at the beginning of each day… after a night of oblivion the cosmos marches us forward towards whatever is waiting… hopefully a nothing burger… how do we teach ourselves to let go and live in the present which, without future located worries is a beautiful place…

… there was inertia this morning, as dawn approached… i shouldn’t walk… i shouldn’t walk so far… no, stay with the routines… they will keep you planted on the ground… oriented…

… H texting me about cash for K… a good sign… hopefully no more blood… feeling a little relieved…

… the emotional heaviness… sadness, depression, mostly because of future thinking… my fantasy mind going all sorts of places… i remember what i told M, emotions are neither good or bad, they just are… the same holds true for random thoughts… they come and go like clouds in the landscape… just let them flow through…

… M and i exchanging texts… S had six teeth extracted… not being very friendly…